It's been a few odd weeks since I last wrote (or I guess a month). One thing since the fall that I've noticed is that it is wild how much time and energy I let the situation take from me. I was pouring everything except a few hours into that. Even while I was at work I was often in a call due to it. Now I feel so bored and often alone and its weird.
That being said the free time I have to think has me very much looking at the situation from a completely different perspective. While I know there were many issues I caused by a lack of talking or effort to listen on my part, I feel free to say that I don't feel I was the main problem. Between the walk out suddenly during a mental health issue straining my trust to the sudden shifts in mood, I really cant feel like I didn't try to make things right or better from a relationship perspective. I wish they would acknowledge their faults and stop holding certain things over me that were caused by actions performed at a time we weren't really together per their words, but I won't hold my breath on that. I doubt Ill get that level of closure on the relationship.
With all that in mind I feel completely detached and can say with certainty I have nothing left but the respect one gives a friend and that's OK. I don't want anything else with them (even though my heart still feels empty and gaping at times) beyond a friendship. I do care about them but I suppose either I was lying to myself before or am faking it until I make it now when I said I still was in love with them. I do love them though. They are a really good person but there was a lot of toxicity within on both of our part. I still can't help but feel hurt over her walking out over the mental health issue. I do feel like she could have used some space but it was the immediate abandonment after the time we spent together and dating that just really shook me. Me seeking physical comfort from another partner at that time was not a problem and will never be a problem.
Honestly there is a part of me, no matter how hurt by this situation I am, that recognizes that I am way better off this way and that she is too. I don't know where it will take me when it comes to fallen but I'll simply keep going.
For now I'm just extremely focused on my sun and my child on the way. I've grown much closer with my baby mama since I'm not putting useless effort and wasted time into a person that did not reciprocate such efforts. Finding our rhythm again has been such a breath of fresh air. I mean they have been my Best friend and partner for years and the fact that I neglected them so much while trying to salvage fallen makes me SUCH an asshole.
We are at 30 weeks though with the child. So close. So nervous. So excited.
I don't know what else to add at this point. I'll be back soon with more ramblings from an angry autistic gal soon enough.
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It is also underlined through a period of time where I also doubted polyamory and other relationships in general due to a mix of stress and coming to terms with aspects of my polyamory. While I still am unsure of that, I cant help but be unsure of my feelings of Caprii (within this section listed as Angel) (follow her on Tik Tok) as while I do love her I am extremely hurt by her. That isnt to claim that I am perfect or was perfect then but simply a reflection of my feelings which this entire page is dedicated to. These are just my thoughts. Nothing is inherently set in fact and many of my emotions, even me writing this section, skews the words writen here.
At this time it is hard to say where we are. Neither of us has declaired we are absolutely not a thing but I certainly dont have the willpower to end it myself at this time. Part of me still doesnt want to at the time of writing this (21:00 CST). I do still love Caprii but I also really hurt and at this time she gives me no reasons to think that the time throughout the long term relationship was not a waste of my time, effort, and emotions.
Anyway, thats this description to be transparent and explain the future 3 journals which are full of scattered thoughs mainly relating to the doubts and problems caused by this.
Jeez, I swear I'm getting sick. Either I sleep 2 hours or I sleep 20. There is no in between. It makes it difficult with my relationships to be sleeping all the time but that cant really be helped I suppose. I'm playing more overwatch and enjoying some wonderful support games (sometimes).
I still find it hard to enjoy talking to certain people. I get so burnt out sometimes. I'm so focused on Angel that I just dont want to talk to anyone else. Thats likely the codependancy talking. I find it hard to do things without her at least by my side in some way. Even if we do different things if she isn't there I find it hard to stay motivated.
She really is important to me. My wife. "MY HEARTTTT I LOVED HERRRRR" Funne Meme. But seriously I just live each day hoping to enjoy more time with her I guess. I know it isn't healthy to constantly live in this codependant state of stupidity but I guess a lot of these problems stem from past traumas, neglect, poor relationships and to be frank, abuse. I've always had a tough time in relationships but my last and only (since I turned 18) monogamous relationship I had (before whatever my wife and I have right now) was full of neglect, and verbal/emotional abuse. I was isolated by her from friends and even from family. This isolation was actually extremely detrimental to my social relationships as while she isolated me she was friends with my friends and talked regularly. This closeness, when I finally left, allowed her to sway my longest standing highschool friends (D&D nerds and after a 4 year campaign I wish they had listened) to her side. I lost my best friends. I still very much miss them. Due to this, after leaving her I vowed to never trust monogamy and really didn't. I still kinda don't. It's easier to love many people because you get hurt less, but its' hard to love more than one person sometimes. It is especially hard right now with my life seemingly in shambles and my brain for some reason thinking I'm better off focusing on one. It sucks to a degree but its also crazy to think I came full circle too.
I get jealous extremely easily lately. I find myself irked by the stupidest of things and feeling like my relationship status is challenged by every penis having dudebro that looks the wrong way. I know it isn't healthy. Thats that trust issues in the relationship (not in Angel herself but our relationship after the communication issues broke a bit of the trust I had). Trust is already hard for me to come by so I'm not surprised. I hope she doesn't take it personally that I am the way I am. I'm just a ball of trauma and stress.
Overall idk what else to say. I hold so much in Im glad I made this little outlet to kinda vent.
YAIESL OUVAOI UGERNV RHSETE LGMAO
Another day of messing with this and I've had a lot of fun working on this site thus far. I may have made this a while ago but I only really am now making an effort to learn HTML. I feel like I have a general understanding of HTML and with time it will all be committed to memory. Honestly JS and CSS are things Im more afraid to tackle. I have some of an understanding of CSS but most of the JS I am using was prewritten. Eventually I'll rewrite these scripts and the CSS/HTML for the navbar that I have on the site currently to better fit the style I was looking for. It will do for now to allow me to utilize the site to better direct people to my primary socials such as twitch and discord.
Today was rough. With my headphones dying it made for a day low on income and high on stress. Dealing with the topics listed on my previous entries I find it hard to stay enthusiastic with my social life. I constantly feel 😇 is upset at me. I also feel as though I constantly bother her with my apologies. I blame the tism but I really do apologize a lot because of insecurities. I just want her to be happy and I feel like I dont make her happy at times or enough. I want to be the best possible partner to her. She is truly my world and I am so blessed to be able to exist around her and love her.
The craziness of last year really fucked our relationship up. I have so many regrets of how things were handled. We both handled things so roughly with it. I do feel we are doing better but no matter how much better things seem to be my brain scares me with constant doubts. A person we met in Neos led me to believe (and I'm inclined to agree) that it is a lack of trust. Not in 😇 but more the relationship as a whole and myself. That trust, when broken, really caused so many worries for myself I guess. I can only hope with time my brain can stop stressing about this so much. I have other things to stress about and I dont want to stress about her.
Anyway, I guess I'll Wrap This Up With Another Message For Angel.
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Lately I've been dealing with a lot of off feelings. Honestly life takes us in strange directions. Personally I just want to be happy and continue my growth as a human being. That becomes hard when you factor in many life events that can cause issues with that. In my personal case having a child on the way with another partner while also dealing with your own doubts about certain life situations can make everything feel so impossible to manage.
Right now Im focused on myself. I don't even like talking about the baby. I don't even want to think about it at this moment. 4 Months left and I want to focus on my angel to avoid my brain from imploding. I just want to be fine with the situation and my partners. That itself is quite hard I suppose. I want to use this to ramble and scream into a void that doesnt get looked at all that much. I know maybe 4 people who will actually click into my Journals and not even all of them will read the journal entries and take them at face value. That's fine to me. To me this is just a void. A blank canvas to use to just let the feelings out. I don't think I'll use it all that frequently anyway. I've always had trouble putting my feelings onto paper (digital or otherwise).I may try to make this a semi-frequent vent space though. I haven't decided yet. Time will tell. And my own procrastination/spoons too I suppose.
In case Angel reads this, This is for you.
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